It’s been over a year since I’ve made it a priority to sit down and try to type my thoughts. My feelings, my emotions, what’s going on inside my head. I’ve always had a love for writing and right now that seems to be maybe one of the best outlets for me to get whatever is going on in my head out of my head and onto paper (sort of). I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like this story of my journey I am on actually started a while ago, but right now I want to talk about what I’m currently struggling with. It’s hard to put this into words because I don’t think I’ve even spoke it out loud yet, so here goes…
As every one knows, I preach on being healthy in all aspects–mind, body, and soul. Yet it wasn’t until just recently that I realized how seriously out of touch I have been with all three of these in my own life. You think someone is healthy on the outside but inside can be a whole different story. Here’s what I mean…
First of all, I don’t think any entrepreneur can ever be fully prepared to handle the stress that comes with a business expansion, and a huge one at that. I knew my business was more than ready to grow and thrive, but was I ready for that–mentally, physically, and emotionally? There’s so much that comes with being the main driving force behind your business from making every single decision, to taking care of every single problem, to devoting every ounce of energy to your business and your clients, to the pressure of thinking you can’t stop moving or you’ll get “behind”. I don’t want this to sound like me complaining about what I do, because it’s not. I absolutely 100% love what I do through and through, but there gets to be a point when all you do is work. You love your work so much that you don’t know what else to do besides work. And that can be a problem just as much as hating what you do for a living.
The months leading up to opening the new studio location were anything but easy. I was in this weird transitional period of the unknown and not knowing how things would be or workout. I felt so off with my schedule and every day was a new obstacle and problem to solve it seemed. Not to mention an emotional roller coaster of knowing I was leaving my original home, my space that become a part of who I am. A space that I called mine for so long that even moving to a brand new beautiful space made me sad. It was a weird bitter sweetness that you can’t describe, only your heart can feel. Being in the new studio, as exciting as it was, the first few weeks were just plain weird. I loved my new space, but it just took me a while to adjust. I realized it was all the old memories at my old space and my routine that made me sad to leave. Any change in life is always hard, no matter if its good or bad. It just is. So I felt all the feels, cried my eyes out many times, and slowly moved on.
The first few weeks at our new studio we AMAZING and they still continue to be full of energy and excitement and good vibes! It’s what I wanted and what I dreamed of and worked towards for so long. I created it. I manifested this new beautiful space and the Universe delivered to me what I asked for. So why did I feel so off? Why did I feel so not like myself? Something seemed to be going on inside me that I just couldn’t understand or figure out why I still felt out of sorts. I tried to just ignore it. I was chronically exhausted though, needing naps almost daily. I had a hard time having any motivation to do my own workouts, to even work on stuff that would normally have made me so excited! I used to be SO excited to work on my business, and this is the most exciting thing that’s ever happened, so WHY am I not excited?! I was just trying to get through each day and each class and I was beating myself up for it. I was seriously scared I lost my motivation and my spark. When did my flame burn out? What is wrong with you Steph? This is everything you wanted and more, why are you not more grateful? Why are you not more energized? Why are you so not yourself? What is going on?!
So June came around and I committed to doing the Whole30 with a bunch of our members thinking, this will fix me! My diet was crap with all the stress from moving locations, I mean I was stress eating and I have never been one to do that! I felt so blah from eating crap and just having no energy to workout so I figured Whole30 would help get me back on track. The first week, pretty typical whole30 reset stuff, adjusting to the no sugar and detoxing. Then week 2, 3, and 4 came around and I was feeling horrible! I was STILL tired every single day and still getting stomachaches and some of the worst migraines consistently again. Not to mention, my monthly cycle happened twice that month! What the heck was going on? I should really have been feeling fantastic and I most definitely wasn’t. Red Flag! Thank you Whole30 for showing me that even when you eat super clean, there can be underlying issues that mess you up! If not for being on Whole30, I probably would have kept blaming it on my crappy diet and continued on being tired and feeling miserable.
The next part gets messy and confusing so i’ll save you the agony of trying to figure out what is wrong with me too…but let’s just say my adrenal glands have been hijacked due to the increase in stress the past few months, I most likely have been fighting off Lyme’s Disease for who knows how long, and my kidneys and gallbladder are not functioning correctly, and I was fighting of a yeast infection. I’ve gone to see a doctor, which was not helpful whatsoever, and I also sought a Traditional Naturopath, which was much more helpful and the route I am looking to take. This week when I finally started taking some supplements to reset my body and get things functioning properly again, my symptoms spiked. I had the absolute worst migraine of my life, my stomach hurt, I had chest pain, shortness of breathe, fever, chills, nausea and puking, I literally couldn’t get out of bed and my emotions were through the roof about it. I really debated going into the doctor, but the thought of taking prescription pills just didn’t make sense to me. That’s why I sought a Naturopath in the first place, because I wanted to avoid that if at all possible and if anything, it would totally undo the what I was trying to do–reset my body in a healthy way. Now I understand there is a time and place for medical emergencies, but I was feeling hopeful I could ride it out and it was just my body detoxing. Maybe it was? I’m honestly not sure yet, but I do know that today I woke up feeling a hell of a lot better with just a slight migraine is all.
So what was it that caused that? I’m not quite sure, but all I can do is hope it’s only up from here. I woke up with a new perspective though, that I was going to focus on healing. I needed to stop focusing on what was WRONG with me and get back to focusing on what is good and right. I was experiencing stress and anxiety the past few months like never before. The increase in stress due to a lot more responsibility and pressure to succeed, financial instability because obviously expanding a business is WAY expensive, and just stressing myself out because I wasn’t feeling like me! (I know, not helpful) Not knowing what is going on with your body is one of the scariest experiences I’ve ever had. It totally took me off my high vibin’ mentality and made me start to think negatively about myself. Never have I experienced such exhaustion, confusion, mental fog, and fear and doubt about who I am and what I was doing. As all the stresses piled on I tried so desperately to keep my calm but I had lost my routine. I was struggling to find time to shower each day, let alone meditate or find time for myself.
The daily question became, how do I get back to being me? I became so frustrated with myself for fear of losing who I am in the day to day stress and struggle of my business. Not making time for yourself or time for mental stillness is a serious issue, with so many people! And here I was, trying so hard to do just that and even when I did get a day off finally here and there, it still didn’t seem like enough! What was I missing?? So often we think just turning to yoga, exercise, healthy eating, being outside, all of that is what it takes to be healthy–which I DO all of those things. But it’s SO much more! Knowing yourself and knowing your body is so essential to health, you don’t realize it until you’re so far out of touch you don’t know what to do or where you lost yourself along the way.
This is where I was and what I was feeling. I have all these bizarre things going on with my physical body, my mental state doesn’t even feel like me, and my emotions, I don’t even know where to begin! I was feelin’ like a big hot mess. Here I am, supposed to be the epitome of health, or what people think I am and I’m not even close. Does that make me a fraud? I hope not, I hope that just makes me raw and real and down to earth. Because I have my fair share of struggles. I may easily be able to hide them behind a smile and I definitely have a hard time voicing them out loud or asking for help, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
So, do I know what’s going on? Not exactly, and I guess that’s okay. It’s all a journey and as long as I’m on the way to figuring it out, the answers will come. If anything, all of this has taught me to TUNE IN. Listen. Be aware of my mental state, my physical state, and my emotional state. Get back to doing what feels good and right. Stop feeling obligated to work 24/7. Rest, rest, and rest some more. Reset my body and take care of my mind. Share my thoughts more because others might be struggling with the same thing! Stop feeling like I need to be perfect all the time. No longer will I take my health for granted. Feel all the feels and trust the Universe!
I’ve been getting signs lately like 11:11 and 1:11 showing up every day, and 1111 alllll over the place. For the past month or so I noticed but didn’t know what it was trying to tell me. I think now I’m starting to understand. I get it, pay attention. I’m listening now. And a good place to start with all of this is asking for guidance. Asking for healing and loving myself again. All phases of myself. Even the parts that don’t feel like me, they are me. It’s just me going through life and struggling and figuring shit out. They say, you can’t just have faith in the Universe, practice yoga, be grateful, meditate, and do all those spiritual things when things are going good. It’s when shit gets real that you need those habits and practices the most. Well, shit got really real these past few months as my life has changed so drastically. I’m ready to show up, learn my lessons, and be present. I have so much more to share from the past few months that I will do in the right time. So my journey continues…